HamSanCity

If you zoom in to the picture, you can see the fire ants that visited me a second time today. I spent the evening outside yesterday, and can only surmise that I brought home the whole farm!

For the second time, my caregiver had to haul me into the shower to rid me of all critters.

The bonus? I got two showers in one day verses one in the week. I get daily baths, but boy do I love my shower!

I am oversharing to make a point- we don’t have control over what happens to us, but we do have control over how we respond.

I can’t just jump up out of my bed and hop in the shower. There’s a sequence of rolling me over on my stomach, putting my harness on my body, then rolling me back over to then be transferred to my shower bed.

I have a choice- do I lay there and punch the air and let discouragement win the day? Or do I put on worship and praise Him because He is worthy? B.

This body is only temporary. The life eternal that Christ died to give us is more valuable and I am focusing on winning that Super Bowl, that Gold Medal that I had no way of earning.

He offered me this victorious mindset and I said yes. Not every day is an ant day, but I worship Him in the in between so when ant day comes, I have a history of remembering the times when He answered before I even asked, and showed up despite my attitude of giving up on Him.

He is faithful when we are not. I had perfect peace when I was invaded. The gift? Zero itching! He works all things together for our good!

In the gap

When we stand in the gap between heaven and earth to intercede for another, we cannot get stuck in the ditch of thinking it’s our personal power that decides. The decision has been made. We are agreeing with Heaven, and partnering with the Father to bring forth His promises. In our surrender to His will to rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and in everything give Him thanks, we position ourselves for Him to move. 

We have the unique opportunity to say a blind yes to Him, and let Him direct and guide our steps. The weight of responsibility to believe in His victory over sin, death, and disease must be perceived as joy. He is our source. The enemy would like to clothe us with despair and hopelessness, and partner with lack and an orphan mindset. We get to believe Jesus at His word of victory , and His overcoming of this world. We may get battle scars from working to discern what it is that’s coming against us, but no matter what it is, we win. The enemy likes to counterfeit the weight of sin, sickness and disease with the weight of God’s glory to overcome every circumstance. Deep darkness covers the earth, but the Holy Spirit is hovering above it, invading it with the blood of Jesus and His word made flesh in us to declare the goodness of God in the land of the living. We get to deliver hope and joy with wisdom and confidence. He truly does make beauty from our ashes. We get to participate in the miracles we create with faith and prophecy to bring gobs of heaven to earth. It doesn’t mean we don’t mourn and grieve for suffering. Jesus in the garden suffered alone, when all He wanted was the community He created to mourn with Him even though they didn’t understand. The disciples had the opportunity to stand in the gap with Jesus in the garden as He weighed the sin He would carry. He first shed His blood freely as He allowed the Father to minister to His heart. He longed for friendship from His followers to be in unity with the fellowship He had with the Father. He gave His life up before it was taken. But it wasn’t taken, because He freely gave it. 

I used to cry in pain at my earliest stages of the onset of disease in my body. I was comforted by my mom’s worship and her stacking sheets under the growing curve of my spine to fill in the gap that was ballooning between my body and my bed. She sparingly used pain medicine as a salve. When I had severe earaches, she would pour peroxide into my ear and stroke my head. I found out years later that the action of rubbing my forehead to the center of my head released dopamine. I remember feeling woozy and a little drunk, and falling asleep in her lap out of all pain. The soothing cadence of our prayers in the gap release a supernatural dopamine into the atmosphere of the hearts that we are praying for. We enter into the garden and pray with Jesus when we intentionally pray for those who are suffering. Whether it be our child, a loved one, or a stranger we have never met, when we paint a target of love and compassion for another, we release peace and the love of Jesus. Parents who lose a child, spouses that lose their lover, siblings who lose their childhood friend, and all other losses- a pet, a deportation, and all situations that bring suffering- prayer is the answer. The phrase, “thoughts and prayers” has been dismissed as a cowardly way of responding to a tragedy. But that is a lie. Yes we need to send material support in the way of supplies and medicine. But hope looks like something unseen. Hope looks like taking time out of our day and instead of doom scrolling and tsk tsking at all that is wrong, we can accept the invitation from Jesus and use our time and energy to lift up another soul to receive the love of God through us. We are all image bearers. As hopeless as a situation seems, we have an opportunity and an invitation to use the power and authority we have been given to shift atmospheres with love. Let’s not fall asleep on each other. Let’s fill the gap with our prayers and intercession to unite as the body of Christ to bring heaven to earth. Chaos is lack of control, but we do have self control to be part of the solution. Selah. 

Dinner

In college once, my grandma went to Shelter Island with her friend, Trudy. I loved to cook and host, and grandma prepared all of our meals. I invited all my college friends over and made a huge meal for them. I really enjoyed feeding them and discussing whatever we discussed. I love preparing meals for people and watching them enjoy. 

We had a security staff that monitored the buildings via cameras and a buzzer to let people in if they were encumbered with boxes or forgot their keys. I often forgot my keys, and would wave towards the cameras. They would kindly buzz the door open. When my uncle cleaned out the apartment while mom was in Israel, the maintenance staff retrieved photos of our family that had been discarded. 

My grandmother returned from her trip completely irritated that I had guests over without her permission. The consequence was broken trust. She never went on vacation again, because I broke her trust. Had she given me a second chance, I would have not had people over. I never got the chance to prove myself trustworthy. 

I wonder how many times I have done that to the Lord. Gone off half cocked thinking I knew what I was doing to entertain friends and not think of His heart and how my actions affected Him. I’m under watch, and I can forget my keys, knowing someone will let me in. I want to control my freakin self and be considerate of others and not take anything or anyone for granted. The truth is, our decisions and the decisions of others affect all of us. I wonder how many times things didn’t go the way I had expected, and I prevented myself from enjoying this life for fear of not being in control? I surrender all. I want to learn as much as I can to give it away and serve others. By learning more, I can create meals for my friends to feast on and enjoy the conversations I inspire. I only want to have faith that pleases the Lord, and I don’t want Him to feel like You have to hide from me. I know You don’t. I can’t bear to disappoint you, but I know I cannot. I never want to take advantage of you, but take advantage of opportunities to serve and make Your name known to set people free. For them to know You are real and holy and only good. Please help me to remember my keys and to be ever aware of the good You are doing in the moment. 

Do You want me to go to Redding this trip? I felt like You were saying to watch online and worship from my bed. I felt like You are saying to celebrate Harold, even though my heart’s desire is to be in Redding celebrating Billy’s birthday with him. In person. Face to face. That is my bold desire and wish. I lay it before Your throne and surrender it with hope if that’s not Your will for me. He is my beyond what I can ask, think, or imagine. I can’t fathom anything better. I’m almost afraid to dream that way, and will withdraw to protect my heart from breaking again. But bold faith stands on the shoulders of quiet trust. And I know there are a lot more things on Your mind and on Your heart. Wars, rumors of wars, floods, sickness, disease, etc. all that is not lost on me. I know You know all this, and I am not trying to be anything but honest. I am content in any circumstance, and You are my greatest prize. I am still learning and growing, and I don’t want to screw anything up and put my needs above anyone else’s. I want to serve You and know You more. I don’t always know what I am doing or thinking, but You do. Please lead me and guide me into Your truth for me. Your best for me. You make me powerful and I feel like I can take on the world. But I don’t want to do it alone. Love, Your best girl. 

One year for Halloween, my dad dressed up like a cocktail waitress. He had permission from his bosses and everything! He said that some of the customers thought he was a woman and hit on him. In this day and age, he would have worn a body camera to record the conversations and interactions. How fearless and funny, but also a testament to what we are believing. Alcohol played a role, as anyone in their right mind would have identified him as a man. He had a warm, joyful spirit, so I guess it was also an experiment in lonely hearts being drawn by a spirit of longing, but rooted in the flesh rather than holiness. I think the flesh is the part of us that asks what we can get out of a situation rather than what we can add. I think a key to the kingdom is giving it all away without expecting a return, and letting God give us what we need and desire. Sometimes what we want is obvious and universal. Everyone wants to be loved, known, seen, and cared for. Some want to be the caretakers and provide. As someone who steps in as provision, I am learning in this season to receive. There will be moments of giving my whole self, and pouring out on all flesh. There’s that word again. If I can just swoop in and deliver the word of God like Santa, get and get out, but not wait around for cookies- although I wouldn’t mind some, I think I prefer working on the down low. Sometimes I crave worship, sometimes it’s too much because I am just being me. I’m so grateful for my position and I want to posture myself for all that God has for me. Learning to be independent, dependent on God, and now interdependent on others in a practical way is such a beautiful education. It’s in a family structure, but my role is different at different times. I am learning that it’s ok to have needs that others can fill and have the boldness to ask for help even if it feels uncomfortable at times. I wanted to be as independent as possible with this disease, and in that vein, cut a lot of people out in the meantime. I thought asking for help meant that I was unable. And I am unable to do some things on my own. I think I worked so hard to prove myself and show that I have gifts and talents like anyone else. I never wanted to be a charity case or someone who was pitied. Learning dependence on the Holy Spirit has been an adventure! I was lacking looking to the people around me for help, because I was also looking at it like I would only get help if I surrendered to their conditions for giving me help. Then I circle back to that when I help people, I don’t expect anything in return. But I have to remember that in business, and relationships that involve romantic feelings, I need to tread lightly. I take risks and invest in teachers and leaders because I find value in learning all I can about God and His kingdom. I have plenty of ideas of my own, but I want His kingdom come, His will be done. And that is so huge! So huge! And sometimes I feel like I did in college that as a leader, I had to finish projects by myself. I’m finding that I have more help than I am fully aware of wrapping my head around. But my heart is so so so marinated in love and belonging. I am loved everywhere I go, which is such an honor and a privilege. I never want to take that for granted. And I also know that not everyone loves me, appreciates me, nor wants the best for me. I will love them just as hard. I do give up all my rights as a human, and have zero opinion about where I am sent. I’m all in. I just want to know You more, Jesus! 

I get my zeal from my momma! She is not afraid to wear all of her clothes on a plane to avoid paying for a carry on. She is the carry on! She will go to the airport to board a flight that she may or may not get on. She takes big risks, and even when she gets in over her head, she puts her faith fully in God to make a way. To provide. She has a history of trusting in Him with all her heart, and leaning not on her own understanding. She knows the word of God, and is brilliant at teaching others to follow His voice, His Word, His commandments. She is a brilliant cook, and makes healthy food that nourishes the heart and the body. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks, and that may be why she hasn’t had deep connected relationships in her life, but she is settling into friendships and trust in her old age. She has a new family to serve and protect. To disciple and lead to personal responsibility and accountability. Fearless. Not giving two craps about blowback or disagreement. She knows when she’s right, and sits in quiet confidence. In a maturity that stands for justice. It may not look like this world’s justice, but it is His righteousness and will she is stewarding. I am grateful for the freedom she walks in, because she has given me permission to be bold and confident in the word of God over my life and not backdown when the enemy comes knocking. 

I went to visit my aunt Sandra and uncle John in Florida. My sisters and I spent hours peeling mangoes. Lots and lots of mangoes. I don’t remember what we did with them, but they did own a restaurant and maybe we were helping. I don’t know. What I do remember is that I wanted a particular outfit. My aunt Sandra took me to every store in Florida and we finally found it! It was a one piece jumper, a mix between forest and dark khaki green. She even let me change out of my old clothes and wear it! That felt scandalous and something I didn’t do prior. It was hot, and at one point I felt bad for all the time she was spending on me and I told her we didn’t have to find it. But she never gave up! I knew she was tired and had better things to do, but she put me first. 

We stopped for Greek food, and while I was in the bathroom changing, the top part of my new outfit fell into the toilet and got full of pee. My old clothes were already in her car, and I didn’t have the heart to make her do one more thing for me. So I buttoned up my onesie, and exited the restroom not caring if I smelled like pee or was soaking wet. I felt a distinct responsibility that when people go above and beyond for me, I will not make them responsible for a mess I made, whether or not it was an accident and not my fault. I lingered in the sun for a bit so that I would be mostly dry before entering her car. I never discussed it with her, or asked for help, because I didn’t want to wear out my welcome or be too much. It’s not up to me to decide on another’s capacity to help me. I often take the lid and limits off the length I go to help others, but not everyone has my same capacity. I have been on the other side when people say they want to help but don’t make much effort. Or say they want help, just not mine. 

I will sometimes reject myself or take myself out of situations before letting others have input because I have already disqualified myself. Sometimes I think I am overqualified and want to give others an opportunity to shine. I think I would have been honest with my aunt from my now perspective, and told her that I peed on myself and needed my old clothes back, if only temporary. But revival is messy, and sometimes when someone gets healed, they pee on themselves. I don’t want to stop a move of God if I am a little wet and smelly. I want to honor all He’s done for me and respect His time. I don’t think He would want me to wear my old clothes. He took the time to fashion me to reign, and I will be washed by the water of His word to walk worthy of my calling. Even if that means peeling hundreds of mangoes to spend quality time together. It’s all worship. It’s all serving. I love giving Him my time and giving Him the gift of me. I want Him to wear me like a onesie glove and get His full reward! 🤗🫶🏼💃🏻🚀

Training 

When I was a teacher in Manhattan, I would tell my students to jump when I said jump. Partly because they didn’t always come when I called, and partly because I wanted them to know my voice when it was serious. It was also easier than yelling over them. 

One day, when I was dismissing my students, one of them saw his grandmother waiting for him across the street. My rule was that adults had to come say hello to me, and I would release their child back to them. This prevented the kids from running off. That day, however, Josh saw his grandmother and took off running across the street. 

I saw him, and at the same time I saw a box truck barreling down the street. I yelled at the top of my lungs, “Josh! Stop!” And he obeyed immediately. I watched as the rear view mirror from the truck grazed inches away from his face. 

Some training prevents something from happening that is less than desirable. While we have to be careful about who and what we let influence us, we must be trained in following His commandments and learn His will. 

Discipleship leads us to the cross and how to overcome it when the box trucks of life come speeding towards us. I am grateful for the trials and tribulations that come my way, and I get the adventure to colabor with God to crush the head of my enemies. I am grateful for clearer discernment and to have new tools in my belt to jump when God says jump! 

🗽 

I climbed up the inside of the Statue of Liberty, and was able to see from the crown. The arm was still under construction, so seeing from the torch was not available then. But the view from the crown is the same as the view from the torch. We must wait for the baptism of the Holy Spirit to light the torch, lighting our way to inner freedom, and liberty to all the captives. 

The climb was painful, and I took breaks along the way, letting others pass. The elevator was broken, but I am glad I had the opportunity to use my body to climb the highest I could go by myself. I wasn’t alone. My sister, Esther, was walking with me, encouraging me to keep going. She always took me on adventures walking around the city. We ate falafels and explored the city together. We often walked across the Brooklyn Bridge back and forth. Once, a woman was getting robbed. Esther saw the terror on her face and came to her defense. The thief ran away terrified. Nobody messes with a Caruso. Nobody messes with a child of God. 

Liberty comes from knowing that we are protected in the Beloved. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. We have the privilege of abiding in Him as He abides in us. That perfect romance is undeniable and oh so precious. 

Sometimes we can trust man above God, and be brought into bondage by the accuser of the brethren. We can partner with ruminating on the faults of ourselves and others, and tie ourselves up in condemnation. We somehow think that the more we punish ourselves and try to make up for our missteps and risks that don’t go the way we think or understand will heal us. No. The blood of Jesus is more than enough to justify us and sanctify us to the high calling on our lives to be sons of God. 

I’m so grateful for fathers and mothers who love me and guide me into His truth. I’m grateful that obedience brings revival. Sometimes revival looks different than what we expect. But when we experience His presence within us in the quiet worship of the night, we can be gloriously drunk in His presence and be still and know that we can love Him back in purity, power, and passion. Selah

I think that in this electronic age, where we have replays available, and can turn something on and off at our convenience, we sometimes lack the ability to bond. Life takes us away from our first love. We hop like bunnies from one thing to another, rapidly reproducing what we’re consuming. What are we consuming? What seeds are we allowing to grow, and entertain thoughts that war against our purpose and destiny?

Are we not paying attention to the person speaking right in front of us or do we have multiple windows open in our minds to see life as if on a fast train, taking in the scenery, but never enjoying the atmosphere in us?

I have been on a journey of not feeling good enough. When we face rejection for any reason, we can become introspective and partner with that thought. What if we opened the book of Hebrews, Colossians, or Ephesians and learned our worth? What if we shut off all the tabs in our minds and cleared our cache from anything that exalts itself above the knowledge of God and what He says about us? 

My little brother, Josh, used to tell me that he could tell when I was listening to him, because my mind was focused and attentive. When I first met Zack, he gave me his full attention, and I felt heard and seen. 

Let’s aim to treat each other better than if we have the option of a replay. Right here right now. Let’s laser focus our attention on the heart of God for each other, and love with intention.