One year for Halloween, my dad dressed up like a cocktail waitress. He had permission from his bosses and everything! He said that some of the customers thought he was a woman and hit on him. In this day and age, he would have worn a body camera to record the conversations and interactions. How fearless and funny, but also a testament to what we are believing. Alcohol played a role, as anyone in their right mind would have identified him as a man. He had a warm, joyful spirit, so I guess it was also an experiment in lonely hearts being drawn by a spirit of longing, but rooted in the flesh rather than holiness. I think the flesh is the part of us that asks what we can get out of a situation rather than what we can add. I think a key to the kingdom is giving it all away without expecting a return, and letting God give us what we need and desire. Sometimes what we want is obvious and universal. Everyone wants to be loved, known, seen, and cared for. Some want to be the caretakers and provide. As someone who steps in as provision, I am learning in this season to receive. There will be moments of giving my whole self, and pouring out on all flesh. There’s that word again. If I can just swoop in and deliver the word of God like Santa, get and get out, but not wait around for cookies- although I wouldn’t mind some, I think I prefer working on the down low. Sometimes I crave worship, sometimes it’s too much because I am just being me. I’m so grateful for my position and I want to posture myself for all that God has for me. Learning to be independent, dependent on God, and now interdependent on others in a practical way is such a beautiful education. It’s in a family structure, but my role is different at different times. I am learning that it’s ok to have needs that others can fill and have the boldness to ask for help even if it feels uncomfortable at times. I wanted to be as independent as possible with this disease, and in that vein, cut a lot of people out in the meantime. I thought asking for help meant that I was unable. And I am unable to do some things on my own. I think I worked so hard to prove myself and show that I have gifts and talents like anyone else. I never wanted to be a charity case or someone who was pitied. Learning dependence on the Holy Spirit has been an adventure! I was lacking looking to the people around me for help, because I was also looking at it like I would only get help if I surrendered to their conditions for giving me help. Then I circle back to that when I help people, I don’t expect anything in return. But I have to remember that in business, and relationships that involve romantic feelings, I need to tread lightly. I take risks and invest in teachers and leaders because I find value in learning all I can about God and His kingdom. I have plenty of ideas of my own, but I want His kingdom come, His will be done. And that is so huge! So huge! And sometimes I feel like I did in college that as a leader, I had to finish projects by myself. I’m finding that I have more help than I am fully aware of wrapping my head around. But my heart is so so so marinated in love and belonging. I am loved everywhere I go, which is such an honor and a privilege. I never want to take that for granted. And I also know that not everyone loves me, appreciates me, nor wants the best for me. I will love them just as hard. I do give up all my rights as a human, and have zero opinion about where I am sent. I’m all in. I just want to know You more, Jesus!