Worthy

In the early roaring 20’s, I had been in a friendship where he would play all kinds of love songs on his guitar, and dangle a carrot of his love over my heart. I saw that he had fallen in love with me when we first met, and even though he was older, I was interested. He was funny and kind and generous with his help to me. I heard from God not to date him, but I still wrestled with my feelings because of the intimacy of the love songs.

What helped me not make the decision to date him along with the word of the Lord, was because he kept mentioning all of his past relationships. How one woman was his first love, and another was his soul mate. Still another worshipped him and he considered her a daughter. He said it felt like he knew me his whole life. I had a revelation that maybe I filled the mold of every woman he ever loved. That is a gift from God. I was deeply Insecure about my body.

At the time, I viewed it as an insecurity that he had to prove that he was lovable. Worthy. Or maybe he was letting me know that these women were his fans and he used the same pick up songs on them.

So then I was the one who felt unworthy. Still hoping for a husband, when I got a male caregiver, I thought he was the one. I didn’t love my body because it was broken. I felt completely unworthy of romantic love, and let him touch me in ways that were unholy. I should have set a boundary, but I did not.

I was in a summer of deep intercession. When I opened the door to sin, I noticed my intercession waned. My heart turned from the Spirit to the flesh. He later sexually assaulted me after grooming me with his subtle and not so subtle touch. I then let the enemy seduce me into touching myself, even to the point of injury. I made the decision to stop. And I did. All of 2023 was a year of victory and no desire for that kind of touch.

I’m not sure of the timeline, but the enemy came back in 2024 with another sexual assault. I was stronger this time, and I forgave quickly and was victorious. I then felt like I was called to war against the very part of me he was attacking.

I had had an encounter with the Bridegroom in 2022, a few months before the attack. The enemy was strategic in sending this male caregiver to attack me. As my Bridegroom is so glorious and majestic, that the weight of unworthiness crushed me and caused me look to settle for a man who was not my destiny.

I was not in prayer as in past seasons, and was an open target for the enemy to sift me like wheat. 🌾 After his attack, a female caregiver tried to start a romantic relationship with me. I had an opportunity to have a sexual relationship with either caregiver in the privacy of my home. But I had the hope of my Bridegroom meeting me in glory, and held onto that hope all the way through. I made a covenant with God at age twelve to remain a virgin until marriage, and to preserve my purity for my husband one day.

The sexual assaults against me started that year. I made the covenant of purity with God after contemplating suicide. God met me and said audibly that He loved me, and too many people loved me for me to die.

So in 2024, when I was assaulted during Holy Week by another female caregiver, I decided to take down the giant of sexual sin, and use masturbation in my prayer life.

In 2010, when I was dreaming of marriage, I started watching porn to learn about sex. This opened the door to the enemy in that season, and a caregiver assaulted me, but said it was an accident.

I confessed to my Anglican priest at the time, and he prayed for wholeness over me. Shortly afterwards, I was prayed for, and walked out of my wheelchair across a room. I then got a surge of courage, and walked back across the room!

In 2025, I was attacked sexually again, but this time I didn’t say no, and asked for more. My body was broken and bruised, and I was on a significant amount of pain medication. I entered a cloud of confusion. Even if it felt good, releasing seratonin, dopamine, and the ecstatic hormones the sex glands release, it was morally and spiritually wrong. I apologized to the person for making them think it was okay after I felt like they initiated it. I recently had the thought that sexual treatment of women’s genitals was used medically in the past to regulate the nervous system. But I was also exhausted and didn’t have the same defense mechanisms in place that I did in past instances.

The enemy is after our purity! He gets us discouraged In our dreams and uses the most sensitive parts of our bodies and feelings to try to destroy us.

There’s a testimony from Kris Vallotton where he was in an airport, and he saw two women standing next to each other. The demon hit one woman on the shoulder. The second woman turned around and got mad at the first woman. Then the demon hit the first woman on the shoulder, and the second woman started yelling at the first woman. Kris observed the demon laughing at the chaos he caused. Kris also teaches that the enemy attacks us when we’re in pain and exhausted.

My caregiver was jet lagged and fatigued, and had never been a caregiver before then. Whether she knew what she was doing or not, I had an open door to sin and welcomed him in to have his way.

God led me into a two day fast, where I didn’t drink water or eat. I shut off my phone and just listened to worship, and gave my life as a living sacrifice to Him. On the third day, He told me to feast! He said that I would no longer be tempted to masturbate because He supplies all of my needs according to His riches in glory. It has been a season of repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation. I am contending for restoration of the relationships affected by this last event. I’m not sure what my healing will look like or when, but I plan to run, not walk out of my wheelchair straight into the arms of my Bridegroom.

In the meantime, I listen to worship and give my heart to Jesus over and over again. Worship is where Love meets Love. Jesus is my first Love, and always will be. He sang over us from before time began, and every love song is from Him!